I Love New Hampshire

I love so many things about New Hampshire. Having lived on three different continents, four different countries, and five states within the US, I think I have a good basis for comparison. New Hampshire is the place I have lived the longest and the place I had come to believe was where I would make my home.

While it has taken a long time to get acquainted with the area at large and secure strong friendships, I have never believed it was in vain. Even as we endure a long, harsh winter, I revel in the majesty of newly fallen snow, fresh on the branches and roads.. the calm and the quiet and the white landscape as it glints in the winter sunshine. The mountains, seen from a distance, rise up to the north and west reaching to touch the sky, for skiiers to play both day and night. I am so glad, for even a brief moment, that NH gave me back skiing, even if it has taken it away again temporarily.

Soon it will be Spring and I will begin to see the promise of my lavender tree come to life outside my front door. Birds will sing me awake in the morning (even to my chagrin on the weekends), and I will smile each time I drive over the bridge and marvel at the wild currents stirring up the Piscatagua River as it goes out toward the sea. I am so close to the beach, though rocky at times and littered with broken lobster traps and drift wood, it's raw beauty is also it's charm. The beach is not manicured or groomed. It is what it is just like the people of New Hampshire. No pretense.

And if you come to love the beach, as you will if you don't try to tame it or judge it for not being like Florida or California beaches, you'll stay through our Summer. Hot, humid, and festive.. filled with awesome concerts, fireworks, beach picnics, great baseball at major and minor leage parks. And maybe, just maybe, watching a movie in the backyard projected onto a plain white sheet. Laughing with friends over a summer ale.

Then laughing with friends over an Autumn ale.. leaves slowly turning bright shades of red, orange, yellow and magenta. The trees appearing to be lit on fire.. as cooler breezes sweep in overnight and kitchens begin smelling of pumpkin and apple. And the Topsfield Fair will be back, yet again, with Dan the Candy Man, the australian shepherd herding Canada Walking Ducks, and fried snickers bars.

I love New Hampshire. And yet, part of that comes from being fortunate to be able to get away. Though a creature of comfort, my roots are not planted there, yet. Unearthed, I flee in search of something I have yet to find. As a creature of comfort, I am fortunate to have a few places to go where I welcomed and comfortable. Most of all, here. Deep in the mazes of Maryland, tucked away in a corner. A corner of a home filled with love and smiles, stories and laughter, peace and most importantly, hugs and kisses.

Here, I have a place amongst others. I don't feel that I am left standing alone, straining to cope when times are tough, or searching for someone to celebrate when times are good. Here I am part of a whole, not a part without a whole. Here, I am.

Needless to say, my day was nothing groundbreaking. But I was content. I was awoken by hugs and laughter. I had breakfast amidst smiles and chatting. I worked alongside conversation and music. And even in the quiet moments, of which there were plenty, I didn't feel the hollowness that I have come to know so well. My sister, my niece, and my nephew love me. They embrace me and they will never leave me. Of that I am sure. That is the only thing I am sure of.

I went and saw a movie tonight and was shocked at the authenticity of the relationships projected on screen. Regardless of the fantastic plot, I still saw myself in the characters. Someone who was only too sure of their future in some ways.. certain of their path. And once that path comes before them, it is diverted and they can't for a second begin to understand why. Why the path diverged when it felt so right, and still felt right even after things fell into place. The Hollywood version would only lead these characters to a place that I dare not hope for in my own dreams. I've done it before, many times, and it has only proven to make me a bigger fool each time. Each time believing this one was different. This one was real. If I wanted and hoped enough, even for us both, things would come to be. Well, I guess it's fair to say that I had to leave that fairy tale in the theater tonight.. the same way that I'll leave the embrace of this home when I have to go back to NH again. But like leaving NH makes me appreciate what it has to offer, leaving Maryland is also a reminder of what I have here. What I can return to. That this isn't a movie. It's not a fairy tale. It's not a hope or a dream. It's something I can count on. People I can count on. And people I love. And while I love New Hampshire, I love my sister, my niece and my nephew more.

People over places, any day and every day. You can love a place, but it can't love you back. Sadly, the same goes for some people. But lucky for me, these people in this house love me back. And in their love, I can try to heal. I can try.

My Birthday Suit

My family is small. It's made even smaller by the fact that all of my extended family lives abroad. Holidays growing up were just the four of us; my mom, dad, sister and me. And I am six years younger then my sister. In pretty typical fashion, I idolized her. In some ways, I think I still do. My idea of a really good night when I was young was to spend it in the company of my whole family, all four of us engaged in an activity together. Most nights that was just television where I'd almost always be forced to watch programs that bored me to death ("60 Minutes" is definitely dry for pre-teens!) Enough whining and complaining, and I was awarded the promise of family game night on special occasions, like Christmas and maybe my birthday. True to the laws of supply and demand, this definitely contributed to making me really value games and family time. Unfortunately, as we grow up there are less and less opportunities for us to enjoy those simple nights of honest fun. To date, they are still some of my best memories though.

It's a typical week in New England with temperatures ranging from some balmy 50s to bitterly cold with a wind chill that freezes the hairs inside your nose. It doesn't stop the hearty New Englander from venturing outside to enjoy some seasonal fun; snowshoeing, skiing, ice skating, sledding, etc.  Sometimes though, you don't want to wrap in three, four or five layers of clothing to stay protected against the elements in order to find some fun. And for those of us still rehabilitating a sports injury, it's not possible. By the time February rolls around, I've also seen my fair share of movies and I'm pretty much all set with the downtown bar scene (having exhausted that 'fun' in my 20s.)  So, what's a girl to do on a cold winter weekend night? That is, besides have yet another quiet night at home..

I had been fortunate a few years ago to befriend a group of people who also enjoyed board games. We made it a semi-regular plan to play UNO, CLUE and other games and drink cases of beer. That group was based on couples though so as individual couples fell victim to relationship woes, the group slowly disbanded. Long story short, I've not been part of that game night for a while. So, it was a great surprise to be invited to a different 'game night' at the home of someone I am just getting to know.  My expectations were pretty low considering that I have a special place in my heart for a solidly competitive game of cribbage over beers. But I knew I should give it a chance; a night out with simple fun could be.. simply fun.

The group is a very eclectic mix of personalities. No one is 'quiet' per se.. in fact, I was the quiet one to begin. Everyone else there had clearly been a part of this gathering before, so I was also the newbie. It's never easy to work out how you fit into the dynamics of a pre-established group. I don't think it's a stretch to say that it makes most of us uncomfortable. I didn't have the energy or desire to be "on." I wasn't interested in small talk. Thankfully, games provide a forum for common discussion so we could focus on the games instead of painstaking attempts to answer 20 questions on who you are. I think that's the true genius of games - it can bring people together. It can bring together families whose interests vary greatly, or even people who aren't that familiar together for light-hearted entertainment.  I think it's easier to get to know people in the midst of a game then in response to "so, how do you know so-and-so?" at a stuffy cocktail hour. During a game, your guard is down and you can let your competitive side bridge the gap between being self-conscious and genuine. Provided you're not a real jerk, you realize that you and these virtual strangers are having a nice evening. No pressure. No mind-numbing conversation.

Regardless of how low maintenance we all claim to be or want to be, we are complicated beings. So it is a relief when we discover something simple that can bring joy. For me, the simplest pleasure is a hug. The hug that holds you safe and lets you release stresses by melting into the embrace of the other person. I miss those hugs.  I am just relieved for now that I forgot things for a few hours. That I enjoyed a different, simple pleasure; an escape into a few laughs over THE NAME GAME and PICTIONARY. You'd have laughed too if you'd seen how I drew "birthday suit." It was humble, simple fun.

I still love board games and while it wasn't quality time with people I love, I am grateful that I had a chance to escape into those games this weekend.