Truly Humbled

I am sorry to say that I have been burdened by an overwhelming sadness for what seems like a very long time. Over that time, dates that were important to me came and went, hardly noticed and seldom appreciated. If anything, they reinforced the longing and the horrors of the pain I have tried to learn to live with everyday.

Recent events have caused me to recognize that perhaps the fog is lifting. It has been as if I had thought I was in need of a new heart and I was called with news that one had become available. Instead of a new heart though, I was able to recognize that my heart was actually accessible. That even with pain, agony and hurt, I still had the capacity to acknowledge and accept caring acts. Acts of kindness were showered over me on my day; my Birthday!

Although I do not thrive as the center of attention, I do enjoy my birthday. A day when I feel as if I can accept compliments, love and appreciation. Unlike other days when I don't feel deserving. And so it was with great and awesome humility that I watched as friends came forward, new and old (from far corners of the earth) to wish me a happy, happy day.

While plans weren't necessarily made with any great preliminary scheduling, things came together perfectly. I am able to acknowledge that I am extremely fortunate. Perhaps this was not luck but an intervention of proportions that I dare not try to explain. Knowing that I was in desperate need of this support and displays of love and caring, my friends and family stepped forwardto show me that I matter.

I still believed that I might hear from the one person I hoped to hear from but I had to accept that I would not. And I had to not let that bother me. I had to not let that take away from the simple pleasures that this day and the love of my friends and family offered; something that has fallen on me and gone unfelt and unappreciated for a long time.

I can not begin to understand why it is that important people may not stay in your life. And I will never like it. But I have had to come to accept that it happens. Without acceptance, I would be unable to appreciate what I do have, and the people that do stay. These are the people that do love me and do care about me and I am humbled by the words and sentiments I received.

Thank you doesn't begin to offer you back what you have given me today. You know who you are... My heart bursts with the knowledge that maybe, even in the darkest hours and the loneliest places and the deepest hurt, I am not alone. So thank you. From the bottom of my battle-weary heart, thank you.