In the meantime, it's fair to say that most of us associate Memorial Day with barbecues and meeting with friends and enjoying the outdoors; boats and jet skis, cookouts and bonfires, beers and margaritas. It can be a fun and eventful time to kick off the summer season. It was with these ideas in mind that we set to make plans for a reunion of my closest college friends, even one who had to travel over 1700 miles just to be with us for three days. It was a weekend of adventures, no doubt. Some that we planned but most that we did not.
There is only so much planning that one can do to put together the schedules of four adult women. It is important to remember that coordinating plans for travel is important, but that you can't over-plan or you lose the spontaneity and organic nature of fun that comes with just interacting with people you don't get to visit with often. I am inclined to schedule all that can be planned but fortunately, I was well balanced by others whose ideas are to just wander and be. I like that. I like being reminded to just be. I am capable of it, I just need reminding once in a while.
So, the entourage arrived piece by piece. I was first.. rolling into the hotel parking garage right on time with my small overnight bag. I had time to spare so I just idled for a few moments before shutting off the car so I could go to wait in the hotel lobby for the next two friends to appear. Before I knew it, I heard this loud bang and almost though a car had backfired or a pipe bomb had gone off. Instead, a cloud of steam came billowing out of the hood of my car and a gush of liquid drained out onto the garage floor. I promptly shut the car off and realized that I was in a tough position. Friends were arriving, we were checking into rooms, AAA was estimating over 1 hour for the FIRST of two trucks and $150 cost to get my car back to NH. I was not happy but I was able to rationally get everything in order for me to manage the situation. That is, until I was two glasses of wine and a sip of a cosmo into my wait for the second truck to arrive. My car had it's hazards on settled onto the street illegally, we were sitting at the hotel bar so the final tow truck could cart my precious vehicle away for service, once and for all.. but the anxiety of the moment got the best of me once I let my guard down. The underlying concerns of not having someone or something to fall back on came rising to the surface and I realized that the person I felt I could call in a crisis wasn't there to call anymore. In fact, he isn't there for me at all. And even if he couldn't be there in person, he would be there for support and yet he has in fact written recently that he has removed me from his life and mind and that for this reason he could once and for all be free to move on. And he has, moved on smoothly, it seems. And I cried. In the middle of Belvidere Street in Boston as the nice tow truck man packed my car onto a flatbed tow truck, the tears began to stream down my cheeks and there was not one thing I could do about it. Even now, the emotions run extremely close to the surface if I choose to think about the moment. The feelings in the moment, and the feelings I have still lingering that are unresolved.
We were able to salvage the rest of the night but I was drained emotionally, so instead of joining my three closest friends for late night drinking, I went to bed. Sensibly, I knew that the sadness and depressing thoughts would creep in stronger and larger then I could handle if I drank more. Ironically, my friends ended up passing on bar which ended up being too "young" and going bowling, but I was still fortunate I didn't take part as their hangovers the night after were enough that we felt it was a good idea to modify our plans.
Instead of a day of shopping or visiting the museum, we packed our sorry butts into the VW TDI and drove out of the city headed to the respite of the quite NH seacoast area. And then.. the traffic. Who schedules construction of Rt 1 on a holiday weekend? I'd like to talk to that person! With the help of Google Maps, I tried to navigate us around the dark red traffic overlay on my map, orienting through Malden and eventually into Saugus, trying to meet up with Rt 1 again just before we were to hit The Border Cafe, our destination for a much needed hangover lunch. We did ok.. we at least made it onto the highway at the right time, and we made it to the Border Cafe in time to feel growling tummies. The timing, while a little too long spent idle on the highway, was fairly good and we were pleased with the delicious meals that we were served. Personally, who knew that black bean and corn empanadas would be SO tasty! We all packed to-go leftovers with the knowledge we would want to snack on them again later.
However, the slow road had set us back a little so by the time we made it to the seacoast of NH, by way of my office to print out a living-social coupon, we were on the verge of having to show up at the movie theater for our designated performance of the Hangover 2; a movie that we felt we would all enjoy watching together not just because of it's subjective relevance in the moment, but for our friendships and our college experiences. So, off we went to the movie theater..
To be honest, the rest of that day was pretty perfect.. we got take out Thai food and sat around talking. We went to bed fairly early and enjoyed a restful morning on Sunday. After motivating for a great walk on the beach, searching for rocks and sea glass, we went to The Beach Plum for the much anticipated (5 year craving) Clam Roll. My friend, H, was giddy with excitement, lurching at the call of an order in the hopes the next one would be her golden delicious clams stuffed into the perfect grilled hotdog bun. Sure enough, we each got our summer specialty - mine of course being the PERFECT lobster roll. Yum. We were satiated, we were satisfied, we were happy. The day only got better as we window shopped downtown and bought t-shirts for the Mr. and baby H. And then it was time to say goodbye to E. We sent her along on Amtrak so she could meet her own family and extended family in Connecticut. We were sad to see her go but we had a great time together.. and were grateful that she shared her holiday weekend with us when her family went ahead of her to see family!
But a mellow day allowed us to ramp up into another night of memories and fun. We started off with cocktails on the deck of Castaways on the water in Dover. Who knew there was such a thing!? It was townie, by definition. We joked the boats would put Miami and Ft Lauderdale to shame.. only in their relative importance to the owners perhaps.. these being the prize possessions of the hard working residents of nearby Dover and other surrounding towns. The local band, playing a painful version of "reggae" was there to entertain, though we were far more entertained by the other patrons. So before we made a scene or judged too hard, we were off to the store for salad and pizza makings, and to get home for some WINE!!
And then it was time.. time for wine. I fast forward because that is essentially how the evening went. Talk swept the hours away, hours spent chatting on the back deck.. in the warm breeze starring out at the green trees surrounding my home. I had two friends who could see the dark cloud come over me... the same cloud that came over me in Boston two nights earlier. But instead of letting me go to that place alone, they reached in and did all they could to pull me out.. even going so far as to put me on the phone w/ H's mom so she could remind me what I have.. what special people are in my life and love me just the way I am.. and that people who chose not to be a part of my life were missing out. They missed out on being part of me and what I bring.. and what I am and am becoming. I cried hard. I cried a lot. But I had their comfort and their hugs and their love. So it is with regret that I must reveal what came next.
The arguments. The disagreement. The misunderstanding. Alcohol can play a disastrously destructive role. And it almost did. It was uncomfortable and unfamiliar, unwelcome and unwanted. But it happened and was over before any one of us understood how it started.
And then it was bed.
And then it was over
Thank goodness
We came to the final day which, based on the events of the evening before, was plagued with more illness and hangover. It is a shame for the last notes of an otherwise good weekend to be dark but we can not always control the way things come down. In fact, I proved this point when I was on my way to take H back to the airport in order to get back to Mr. H and baby H. One quick stop to get a Frapuccino (in the hopes it might caffeinate away her hangover), and we should've been on our way. But my recently medicated sick little car overheated again. And we were sidelined in the random town of Epping. MERCY.
You have to wonder sometimes how much a person is meant to take. I shudder to ask. I shudder to think but somehow, someway, I have to believe that I have paid my dues in pain and anguish, suffering and sorrow. This has been a couple of years from hell. A year full of lows so low that I could not even begin to pick myself up sometimes and were it not for great friends and family, people I can count on one hand, I would probably still wallow in that sorrow. Instead, I ask for help. I ask for assistance. I ask for a reprieve. I ask for happiness. And I ask for MERCY. A person can only take so much. A person can only take this much.
Mercy.
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