adj. hum·ble

Context is essential to understanding the language we choose to communicate. It is especially important when we are trying to be careful about what we say; to be truthful and accurate but to not cause pain to another. Some are gifted at this. They choose just the right words so their meaning and can be interpreted differently depending upon who, what or where they are being read or spoken. I have come to have a great distaste for the word (and use) of "semantics." I feel as if language is being used to manipulate a situation and in turn manipulate me.

This is not to say that I don't believe we have to be careful about how we say things to people. There is rarely any good reason to say things that hurt; honesty doesn't have to hurt. Tact is necessary and something I have come to appreciate more and more everyday. We can be quick to lash out, having a sharp tongue. But this exhibits a lack of control, an impulsion and recklessness that characterizes a disregard for the well-being of others. In those instances, we often don't really end up saying what we mean to say and fail to get across the message that we intend to share.

I had already been deliberating the use of the word "humble" as it related to this blog title when I was confronted with some troubling and unwanted communications.  When I chose the title of this blog, I never took much time to evaluate the use of the word "humble" in so common a phrase as "in my humble opinion." As I was returning to explore the definition and use of the word "humble," I find that it plays a different role when used in reference to the circumstances I found myself in today. My opinion and character have been called into question and bringing to light the alternate use of "humble" and a point of reference that changes it's meaning altogether.

Humble, per thefreedictionary.com, is defined as:

hum·ble  (hmbl)

adj. hum·bler, hum·blest

1. Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.

2. Showing deferential or submissive respect: a humble apology.

3. Low in rank, quality, or station; unpretentious or lowly: a humble cottage.

tr.v. hum·bled, hum·bling, hum·bles

1. To curtail or destroy the pride of; humiliate.

2. To cause to be meek or modest in spirit.

3. To give a lower condition or station to; abase. See Synonyms at degrade.

So what do I make of these definitions and how they pertain to the title of this blog or, perhaps more importantly, how they pertain to me?  I would like to think that I am not arrogant or prideful and yet, neither am I meek. Meek has such a negative connotation; I associate it with someone who has no backbone.  This blog and ultimately the ideas I write about, I believe are more in tune with "showing deferential or submissive respect." What I write are my opinions and these writings are not intended to influence or judge. These are my rants and raves. I own them, I take responsibility for them, and they in turn help me work through my thoughts on the world and my life, defining my perspective on ideas at large.

I used this word almost as a disclaimer that the opinions expressed here are my own. They are not meant to undermine other perspectives or ideas. If anything, I like to think that even though I do have opinions, I am an open-minded person who is interested in other people's perspectives (in most circumstances) and will listen to ones thoughts, rants and raves. Quite unexpectedly, I was called upon to listen to a rant of sorts this week. A virtual stranger voicing their thoughts and ideas, ultimately looking for me to either validate them with my own similarities or at least offer insights into my own experiences. I was guarded, I admit, though I was completely honest. I didn't back down from the truth of my situation, I expressed concerns about my OWN situation, not theirs, and I never once tried to 'one-up'. Trust me, there was no positive side to being the person who could rant the most or give the most excruciating detail of a particularly painful memory. We were both struggling. And in that struggling, we connected in a most unexpected way. Not to say we were instant friends; people who are hurt tend to put up their guard. I even openly questioned her motive for contacting me after which I felt badly that I could have even suggested there was any malice or ill-will intended. I felt guilty for thinking she might be entirely self-serving after I was assured it was anything but that.

Alas, matters of the heart cause us to make decisions that are sometimes completely irrational. I know that I have certainly fallen (or fall) prey to this. My heart leads my head, and there is no doubt that I struggle everyday to rationalize my emotions when they just don't make sense in light of the facts. This, I thought, was the conclusion that the person I spoke with reached as well especially since she was advising me to get serious and get over my situation. That things were not worth the suffering. That we shouldn't accept being put in these positions. She even feared for her safety at times -something I have never felt. And yet..

Today, whether it was her broken heart abruptly trying to discredit our conversation or her defenses just acting out against me so that she could deny her gut once again, I was made out to be an unstable person. I was painted to be a woman whose decisions were not reliable, whose motives were questionable, and whose mindset was irrational. It was humbled.. I was "given a lower condition." I was "humiliated." My character and my sense of self was attacked so they could feel better about themselves and their situation. Once again, her heart could not accept the truths that lay before her in bright neon lights - she had to bring me down to pick herself back up. And finally, I found myself getting angry.

At no point over the course of the past 5 months, year, or even four years, have I deliberately caused harm and pain to another person. I have not been malicious or conniving in my attempts to work through what are some of the MOST difficult situations I have struggled with. Ever. My world, upside down and flipped over, was always my world and never once did I ever purposefully reach out to turn over another person's world so I could have a companion in misery. Is it not a desperate person who has to reach out and drown the person next to them to survive? Tread water.. learn to swim. But don't take someone else down with you or instead of you. I am not vindictive, and I am baffled by those who speak so kindly and sweetly when you're able to relate but as soon as they perceive any threat, they panic. The claws come out and thinking themselves "strong," they are the ones who display weakness.

I never claimed to be impenetrably strong. I don't think I am weak either. I am treading water. In my opinion, I am humble. But I am not meek. I am not of a lower station. And I will not tolerate being humiliated.